girl-aflame's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Like A Four Year Old On A Grand Piano Random question of the night.. if Arnold Swartzenegar is a robot in the Terminator flicks, how come he looks older in each successive film? Ok, I spent my day with Guy on Kiawah Island, i.e. rich old white retirement community with golf the beach and a pool and gaggles of hobnob snobbery. Except Guy and his parents aren't snobs. They are absolute dolls, in fact. Mr. Boudreaux gave me a hug when he saw me and I gave everybody hugs goodbye all around, his mum, dad, aunt, and her friend. They're such sweethearts. A lot to tell, really.. it was a wonderful day, despite a lot of little funny setbacks. For instance, Guy and I went out to the beach before Yancey got there, and got stuck in a sandstorm, blowing against our near-bare bodies. Ouch, I don't recommend that. But we ran back, Guy holding his towel over both our heads, and when we got out of the sand we just looked at each other and laughed, and kissed. Yancey was like 4 hours late.. but I guess that wasn't so bad because it gave Guy and I more time to cuddle *laughs* But when we got back from the beach I was soaking wet and idiot me wore my bathing suit under my clothes so I didn't have a bra or panties.. he called his mom to tell her about the beach and everything, and she had him go into her room into her suitcase and give me a bra and underwear of hers to wear. Oh my, THAT was embarassing. Not only having to wear her things but for Guy to have to go and get them and hand them to me... oh yeah, good times. I got my first lip kiss the other day. Well with Guy, not the first ever. Funny story too... he was dropping me off at the hospital where my aunt Traci works, and he didn't want to block the outpatient entrance. So he pulls into the parking lot, behind an ambulence that is pulling out. I thought he was going to take its parking spot, but he just stayed there so I could get out. Meanwhile the ambulence is pulling out. He turns toward me to give me a hug, and a kiss on the cheek, except I move my head ever so slightly, so he hits my lips, and just as he's pulling away from the kiss, I say "Oh my goodness!" and notice we're rolling toward the ambulence! He jerks up and hits the brakes, and nearly hits the thing... oh man that was funny. I guess the kiss startled him so much that he took his foot off the brake *laughs* isn't that cute? Anyway I got more lip kisses today, and some more cheek kisses too. They're all closed mouth thus far, though, and that's fine with me. They're sweet and -- I typed loving and deleted it *laughs* they're sweet, let's just say that. Speaking of that... when we were saying goodbye today, he told me that he loved me.. and my aunt and uncle were there to get me and I was in a hurry and said "I love you too" quickly before I thought about it. Oh my... now I don't know if I should talk to him about it or not because.. as I said, I don't think he really loves me and I don't think I love him yet. I mean maybe later.. I don't know, everything in my life is so confused.. but at this time, we need to take it slowly. Yeah, I'm supposed to be breaking up with him, remember? Brian offered me to have an open relationship with him. Where I can date him and under both our knowledge, date other people too. I don't know if I can do that or not. I don't want to hurt Guy, I really don't. Here's the thing. When I'm out with my friends and my mind is away from all my misery, I feel fine. BUT I notice the difference. Guy's touches and kisses don't give me the thrill in my tummy Brian's do, although I do like them and I am beginning to like them more and more.. but also I know our relationship isn't nearly as meaningful and deep. I don't know if it could be with time or if it'll be like this pretty much always. *shakes my head* It's the sure thing vs. the gamble. And I know I could survive in either one but.. I'm afraid of being lonely one day. I'm afraid of ending up alone, when I could have had a lifepartner and a soulmate that will never leave me. I am pretty sure I can predict the end of my relationship with Guy. And that's ok, I can accept that. I know I'm going to have to let him go. He has a job to do, he has a duty to God and to the world, and I won't stand in his way. So that isn't going to get me through my loneliness... and it wouldn't anyway unless things changed. I mean they're progressing at an OK rate but.. we have such a long long way to go. It's a gamble from any end you look at it. I do miss Brian. I'm not miserable but I miss him. I don't know if I should take his offer or what. I don't think he'd be too thrilled if I chose Guy for it anyway... I told him I was going to the beach today and he wrote me back and said, "Welcome home, darling, from where you have been." and not a word about how my day was and what happened. He knows I have a crush on Guy and I think it hurt him - not because I have a crush but because of the way I went about doing all this, breaking up with him and everything. Well. Anyway. I had fun with Guy. I'm just playing my life by ear right now. Anything can happen at any moment and it wouldn't surprise me at all. Btw, I went with the purple bikini. 12:05 a.m. - Thursday, Jul. 03, 2003 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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