girl-aflame's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Ring Cannot Stay Here In The Shire So it's the swimsuit dillema. I'm going to the beach tomorrow with Guy and Yancey, and I have to decide: purple bikini or black one-piece? Will his parents find the bikini too revealing? Will I be paranoid that I look fat all day long? Huff and puff and blow my house down. Also, I've been prompted to remark that it's awfully sad what sometimes happens to we bloggers. It seems we get ourselves into situations and our diaries that start out as tools of purging ourselves of secret fears become the very thing we fear the most. I know I've certainly felt that way, and even gone the course that some of them have. There was always the risk for me that Guy or Brian might stumble onto this, and even Michael although he posed a much smaller threat, and that worried me for a while.. but then I began worrying that I would look like a totally slutty, bitchy, insane, foul, cold hearted beast. You would think that when I'm narrating the story I would get the sympathy on my side.. but if this diary has done one thing it has only made my own psychosis more apparent to me. Not because people haven't been completely nice and supporting; oh no, I've found more love here, in terms of number of people, than I ever have offline. But in the past few years, the lines of my morality have blurred considerably and I can't say I like it. I can't say I really know how to change it, either. It sort of landslid on me.. anyway I feel like I need a place to go to be dirty, too. Not dirty in the Hustler Magazine way but dirty in the sinful way. Dirty in the way that only I recognize I am. Its sort of sad, I guess. But I suppose it's just a truth of life that we cannot be completely open, with even the people we are expected to be completely open with. But you know what? I love you guys so much. I know I say that a lot, but I really really do. Even the people that are on my buddy list that don't read me, and people that link to me that I don't read... I just love you all so much. I guess I know people on my buddy list like myself, that get themselves into some of the same situations and could argueably feel like the terrible person I do.. but I don't look at them that way. Maybe I should be braver. But, you are all beautiful wonderful people and I am so glad I joined this community because of you all. Thank you for sharing my life with me. 11:10 p.m. - Tuesday, Jul. 01, 2003 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||