girl-aflame's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Because You Can't Read Minds Just to put some things down in plain words. I'm home from NC now, so my projects should continue along their paths. Although I did lose some of the stuff.. AOL deleted my mail without asking me. *glare* In fact it deleted the last sweet message Brian sent to me. Which may very well be the last sweet message I ever see from him. I also found out while I was away hotmail cleared the account I had with them, since 1997, the one I had when I met Brian and the one he wrote me at, which I used for my role playing persona. I reactivated it but all the mail I had there is gone. Does it get any more obvious that everything I had before is lost? Anyway. This is the basic situation. I didn't write much on it because I just felt so badly. I broke up with Brian, everyone knows that by now. Guy asked me out and I said yes. I didn't tell Brian. He kept trying to get me to come back, for a few weeks, and then he finally gave up. He wrote me a letter that was full of symbolism only we would get, and it broke my heart. And somewhere in the numbness I was feeling, I came back to myself. And I felt like I was waking up out of a coma and I couldn't believe I had been such a lunatic. I have since then been on my knees, crawling over lit coals and broken glass, making penitence and repenting but to no avail. He has closed himself off to me, except he sort of pretends that there's still something for us, still a kind of twisted love we can have, but I'm not buying it. I'm not buying it because I tried to sell it myself, and I know it's just bullshit. Except, every once in a while I get a glimpse of the man I was engaged to and I know he's still in love with me. I thought we were about to get back together a few different times, one in particular, but the next day he was just colder than ever. What about Guy in all this? Well.. I'm still dating him, really, although I could end it at any minute. But there's no need to break up with him if there is no hope for Brian and I. I will need someone to break my fall. And while I recognize the fact that it is sinister to think of people as "back up plans", there is nothing between Guy and I but flirting and mutual attraction, and there never was more. Maybe, in the distant distant distant future there could be more but it would take a lot of work from both of us, and its a huge longshot. Nothing like the natural soulmate experience I had with Brian. So while technically I am "stringing him along", really I'm not. If I broke it off I don't think he'd sweat it at all. I wouldn't do it harshly, and we would just go back to being friends that think each other are sexy. I just wish Brian would tell me once and for all if there is hope or not. If there is, I will immediately break up with Guy and continue working to rebuild. If there isn't, I might as well try and move on. Not that I think I'll be able to. But lately I've been seriously considering numbing myself. He does it, it seems to work for him. I'll just be cold like he is. Dead like he is. I'll just forget the best thing that ever happened to me and the greatest love affair I've ever heard of / read about / witnessed. Yeah right. 1:47 a.m. - Sunday, Jun. 29, 2003 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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