girl-aflame's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Long And Winding - Like My Life Hello loves. Sorry no update yesterday, I went to bed at 8:30!!!! My God, I haven't done that in years. I didn't mean to do it yesterday either.. I just laid down and sort of passed out. Guy beat me up. *laughs* No, not really. See, he invited me to spend the day with him in Charleston. I expected Yancey to be there too but apparently he wanted a little alone time.. (aw.) So, he had books to sell to this used book store he practically lived in during Governor's School.. five bags of them, about.. 50 books maybe. Don't know if that's an under or overstatement, but they were HEAVY. We had to carry them like 5 blocks to the place, then when we got there we got to drop them (whew!) and we went in the back to find the ones he was going to buy on the credits they'd give him for selling the old ones. Except when we got back to the storefront, the lady was like, "I'm only going to buy these", refering to two of the books he brought. She gave him reasons why, and he looked sort of.. a mixture of disappointed and embarassed.. so I didn't look him in the eye, I just stooped down and started getting them back into the bags. So then eeeeeek we had to carry them 5 blocks DOWN to another book store, who couldn't take them because only the owner bought old books and he wasn't in... and then back a few streets and up the stairs to his car in the parking garage. We started out sort of even with the load, but after the first place (Boomer's), he had even MORE books, the ones he had bought.. and I was NOT cut out for that sort of thing. He could kind of tell so he took one of the bags from me.. which made it a whole lot better for me but a whole lot worse for him... Anyway, my legs are scratched and bruised in some places from the bags banging against me as I was walking, and my arms and legs are SORE *laughs* But. The day was nice. It had its quirks but overall it was pretty good. We just walked around.. got an Italian Ice.. and rock candy from the candy store. I mentioned that we went there during a field trip, and purple rock candy was my favorite, so that's what he bought for us.. he also bought me lunch at one of the local delis. Which I felt bad about because I only ate half of what I ordered. Gar. Anyway.. he's started paying for stuff now. That's good and bad.. it makes me feel weird sometimes. My natural instinct is to pay for everything myself.. but he certainly has more money to spend than I do!! We also saw a beggar, which was weird.. I wanted to give him money but I didnt know if I should because you never know if they're going to spend it on food or something else. It can also be sort of dangerous, I know.. I'm surprised Guy didn't give him anything. He does a lot of community service work and all that.. he probably had the same reasons as I did. I didn't ask, because it made me feel guilty but.. well I wish I had given him something now. Anyway.. We went to the Waterfront Park, which is right on the water (obviously), and has all these fountains and little gardens.. we stood on the edge of the battery and cuddled a little there, then we went and sat down and did it again *laughs* Apparently he's a very affectionate boy. I told him he's awfully romantic to not be a romantic. *laughs* But he gives me a whole lot of cheek kisses.. puts his cheek right up next to mine, strokes my hands and arms, and every time I sigh deeply, he waits until I inhale and then squeezes me tight to him. My watch is metal and reflective, too, and I caught a little glimpse of us in it, our cheeks pressed together.. he had his eyes closed.. and every once in a while he would make this tiny tiny noise of.. pleasure, I guess. I asked him what he was thinking, once, and he said, "Nothing actually, which is rare for me. It's the silence.. I was just savoring the moment." It's nice but it sort of feels like the affection Jayme and I give each other. Well we don't give cheek kisses (sometimes forehead kisses, but they're different).. but what I mean is that.. I could do this stuff with him if we were really really close friends, too. Its still.. weird for me to look at him as my boyfriend. Because, really.. the love Brian and I have (had?) is heart and soul. It runs so very deep that.. it just feels like one person when we're together. We just.. melt together. beautifulmes left me a very interesting guestbook entry, though, and reminded me of something. Guy probably feels like he has to live up to Brian's shadow a little. He mentioned again to me today that although I told him he could take the reins and set the pace for us, he doesn't want me to feel like I can't take inititive on things too. I told him I usually fall into the "follower" role as opposed to leader because I fit into the sidekick thing.. I adore the people I love and that makes them the sort of superhero in the situation. He said he didn't want to lead or follow, he wanted it to be sort of equal. It's kind of cute to listen to him talk about this sort of thing.. his voice gets quiet and goes to its highest inflection, and he has a lot of pauses where he looks for the right words. He also asked me what I thought love was... which.. was a little peculiar for him to ask, out of the blue. I hope that doesn't mean he is pondering whether or not he loves me. Because I'm pretty sure I can tell him that he doesn't. Anyway.. he said he didn't have a definition and didn't know if he ever would, and I told him my definition and some other things. Love is something I've scrutinized a LOT. However, I realized something else yesterday too, because of Richard. I know what love is, but I've never bothered to find out what happiness is. I think its important to have an idea of what it is, whether it be in words or just being able to recognize the feeling, because you can get so easily fooled if you don't. Especially love, but happiness is my big struggle. Love is really no problem. So I think I need to sit down and figure out what happiness really is.. and maybe I could get some of these issues straight. Brian said his summer study is on psycho-something.. can't remember. For the first time yesterday I didn't want to save our conversation. Not because it was bad or anything but because.. I just didn't feel the need. That's really weird. But anyway.. some of it deals with neurosis, he said. I told him to let me know when he figures out what the hell is wrong with me. *laughs* He said he would study it.. I don't know what's going to go on with him. I called him the other morning to try and track him down and eventually I got him to admit that we should try and remove these barriers between us. But I don't know if he was really.. willingly doing it, or if he felt pressured into it. *sigh* Anyway I sort of saw the difference yesterday when we talked but these are like the doldrums, and almost worse than the.. chill. Those are like the days we had when we sort of felt loose and not really with that burning feeling of being in love. Just the sort of "eh.. how are you?" "eh.. whatever." It's frustrating. I'm just learning right now a lot about patience. Patience is what it takes to take any relationship to the level you want it to. It would take patience to get Guy to the level Brian and I were at (a lot of patience) and it will take patience to get Brian and I back to where we were. The thing that bothers me is I can't be sure that my patience will pay off. What if it never works? *shakes my head* Bleh. Life is awfully blurry. 9:40 a.m. - Tuesday, Jul. 01, 2003 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||