girl-aflame's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sorry But Not Sorry Enough
This reminds me of Guy and having him find my diary. Not the exposure of my privacy but of his. I don't know how much it bothers him but I can guess; it worries me because I'm afraid he won't trust me fully again. That it'll be in the back of his mind that I might go off and write in my diary about the things he shares with me. And the bad part is, he's probably right. I'm not trying to infringe on his privacy. I'm not doing anything to him that I don't do to myself. I let you all see my madness, my foolishness, my rashness and the things that hurt me and please me the most. But I don't write this because other people read it. I would write it even if no one read it. I like the idea of it being online, cased in a shell of my choosing and engineering. My life has been so intrinsically connected to the internet since I was 15 that an online diary fits me perfectly. I like knowing that I'm not alone, that I have you all to support me, that you are my friends and we share each others' lives. If I knew you all in real life I would probably tell you these things too, good friends as I'm sure we'd be. I don't see any difference in it - the ones who come back frequently and know me well are those I would confide in IRL, and those who just pass by, the hoardes of random strangers, don't bother me because I'll never meet them. They're as anonymous as the darkness I whisper my secrets to. There is no judgment, no danger from them. I feel safe here. But I know I should take more carefully into consideration the feelings of the people I speak about. I've been thinking a lot on integrity lately and how even when I know something I want to do would displease someone I love, it is still extremely hard for me not to do it. I don't like that about myself; I should be able to say no to things just on the basis that it would hurt someone I care about, but I struggle with it. Sometimes it isn't even a question of still feeling very real, very strong temptation; sometimes I do it anyway. If I were to do the noble thing, I would stop mentioning Guy and Brian completely in here. (Well sheesh I wouldn't have any content then, would I?) But instead of doing the noble thing, I am doing the thing that my emotions and my passions command me to. I am writing about it, writing until my blood has run dry and turned to pixels. *sigh* My priorities really need straightened out. 4:21 a.m. - Sunday, Aug. 10, 2003 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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