girl-aflame's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Weekend Adventures Part 2: On Trust To continue the tale of my weekend: During the night one turns and rolls, and people are separated. So it was with us, and so I spent most of the night awake and shivering. But in that I got to watch Dick sleep. He snores, sometimes, which makes me giggle. I really didn't mind so much; anyway he looks angelic when he sleeps, peaceful and lovely. At around 10 he was ready to rise, and so was I, since I had been ready for hours before. I gathered my things and we went back to his house, where we enjoyed the luxery of hot water to take showers with. He didn't want me to see their upstairs bathroom, but after a few minutes straightening up he let me come in, gave me a towel and stammered about the shampoo and soap there, embarassment written in the crinkles of his face. Their shower is odd; the hot and cold water indicators are put on backwards, so that if you turn it toward what they say is cold, you will get hot, and vice versa. After we both had showered and dressed, we drove out to see some of the surrounding things. He took me to his church, which sits on a very high hill, overlooking the valley. Behind the pulpit are huge glass windows so that the majesty of the landscape can be clearly seen. I am sure at sunset it is aweing. He made sure to mention that they rent out the church for marriages, but that one must pay unless one is a member first - so if I'd like to get married there, I should become a member of the church first, if I had plans on swindling them. I haven't. Next he took me to a little place called Aunt Sue's. It is a classically country restaurant, decorated very quaintly and serving meals just as quaint. Many of the things are homemade, as they were, and they serve your drinks in Mason jars. If you've never heard of that, it's a southern stereotype, that people in the south drink out of old jelly jars, made by the company Mason. These days they don't even come with jelly in them, just the jars themselves, and Dick thought I would think it was hickish. He laughed when I told him that my family really does drink out of Mason jars, so I was quite used to it. I never gave it consideration before, but all these things he was familiarizing me with, real "mountain" things... some of them I already know firsthand. My family is country, I suppose, it's just that I struggle against most of it. The food was very good, we had hot fudge sundaes to end it on, and he paid for it all. Attached to the restaurant, there is a bridge sort of walkway, and several small shops, each with a particular theme. There is an "animal shop" with lots of animal carvings and stuffed animals and the like in it, a stamp shop with decorative stamps, a wood shop where most everything is made out of wood like old classic toys, a rock shop where things are made out of polished rock, etc etc. They had the most beautiful windchimes, which I collect, so I was interested in looking at them. Dick wanted to buy me something, "to remember the day by" but I wouldn't let him. I thought all the things were beautiful and I would have liked to own something from there, but it always makes me feel bad when people spend their money on me, and I told him he neededn't waste his money for my account. He asked a few times, but each time I declined. When we left there, we went a little further up the mountain, to a place called Bald Rock. It is another steep mountain side, again overlooking the valley, and you can see the Blue Ridge Mountains in the distance, which are on the South Carolina / North Carolina border. It was absolutely stunning. We sat there a while in silence, looking at the horizon, before going up. Climbing up was scarier than climbing down, even though it was almost like climbing straight down, because it was harder to get leverage. There was one point at which I felt stuck, and my shoe began coming off from trying to push against the mountain and my weight, and I felt as though I was very close to falling. Dick didn't come as quickly as I thought that he should have, but he didn't think I was in any danger so I guess I really wasn't. But he did come, and hoisted me up, and got me to a flatter part where I could stand. He said he'd have to teach me to tie my shoes properly so they didn't come off, too. *laughs and shakes my head* When I told Victoria that part, I said it was like in The Two Towers where Gimli says to Aragorn, "I can't make the jump! You'll have to toss me!" and then adds, "Don't tell the elf." She laughed very hard, pointing out to me that Guy is "the elf" as I so often refer to him as my little elf, and I just shook my head in disbelief. Uncanny, minions, uncanny. We went a few other places, also with spectacular views, and a place called The Devil's Kitchen, which goes down deep into the mountain to a narrow pass, that leads to a little outcropping. Dick picked some Mountain Laurel for me, although he said it would be dead within a day or so because mountain things can't survive away from the mountains. "You can take the man out of the mountain," he said, "but you can't take the mountain out of the man." The laurel looks like it's holding its own, sitting on my windowsill in a cup of water under the sunlight. The last thing we did was stop at what Dick calls his "fountain of youth" - a natural spring coming out from the mountain that someone has built a little brick hutch around. We filled up water bottles with the water, and I swear it's the best water I've ever tasted. It's free of impurities, Dick says, and I'm inclined to agree with him. It's delicious water, and I don't usually like the way water tastes. After that Patrick, Dick's brother, drove me back to Furman. Dick came along but he didn't come back to school, he spent the rest of the weekend with his family. The ride was in silence, and Dick fell asleep on the way. I put my hand over his arm until Patrick's phone rang and scared me. They dropped me off at the front entrance of Lakeside, I gave Dick a hug, he wished me a good weekend, and that was that. I just don't know about that boy, diary, I just can't get a good bead on him. When we were making the trip including the church, Aunt Sue's, bald rock, etc, we talked a little about our... well. He said he hoped he hadn't done anything to offend me the previous night before we slept, when I let him hold me. I said if he had I would have let him know. He thanked me for "helping him" and he said he felt much better. The idea of physical affection being something I give to someone because they need "help" rather disgusts me. There's just something that feels wrong about it. Something that feels manipulatory, as though I'm being suckered into doing it against my reservations or something. If I'm going to display my emotions in a physical way, I want it to be because it's the natural thing to do. I want it to be a display of emotion, not a demonstration of generosity or magnanimity. I want it to be something we could both live without, but choose not to. It's just not the way I used to be physically affectionate with Brian. Granted, that was a representation and not real, but believe me, minions, the emotions behind it made it real enough. This with Dick is not the same - it's not even the same as it is with Guy, where it may not necessarily feel passionate as it did with Brian, but it feels good and right and safe. When Dick makes it out to be a gift that I give him, something more for his benefit than mine, it distorts the entire thing. Put plainly, it is a big "turn off." What does that mean? Is it an indication that the things he says are ploys to get physically close to me and he doesn't really give a damn about who I am beyond that? That's what I'm afraid of, that's what holds me back and won't let me trust him. But I don't know, maybe I'm reading too much into it or maybe the other things he does for me indicates that he really does care about me and really does want to know who I am. He asked me to show him more of my personality, to talk more about myself. He says we mostly talk about him and he wants to know about me. "What do you want to know?" I asked. He hesitated a minute and said he didn't want to scare me with his answer, but when I pressed him and reminded him that was the good thing about our talks, that we don't have any inhibitions with the other, he gave me his first answer, which was "Everything." It all comes down to, do I believe him or not? I want to believe him, good God I want to, but I will not let what I want to do get in the way of what I should do. I'm trying to be good, diary, trying with all my might. I need to know I'm still capable of doing the right thing, when I really set my mind to it. I need to know I still have strength and integrity, and a purpose in this world. 1:19 p.m. - Sunday, Oct. 19, 2003 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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