girl-aflame's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Oy Sometimes I Don't Deserve All The Love I Have All this turbulence about Guy finding my diary has really got me thinking. I feel very guilty over a lot of the things I've said in here. Which really I guess means I feel guilty over the way I've been feeling, since I tell you guys practically everything. If I feel I can't be honest about something to my readers, I just leave it out rather than lie about it. (which is how I am about people in real life, too.. interesting.) Anyway. I am putting myself in Guy's shoes. It must have really hurt him to read some of the things I've said, particularly about the future of our relationship, and with regards to the weird situation Brian and I have going on right now. Particularly if he cares for me more than I think he does - which is a real possibility, considering he didn't bail when he had the perfect opportunity to do so. And, besides.. he's growing on me. This is really weird, since he has been a burning flame in me for more than a year now. While I tried to put out the fire, it came back rather quickly and consumed me when the embers were exposed to the slightest bit of heat. And now that I have him in my arms, the perfect opportunity to pour out for him all these feelings that I've kept pent up for the past year, guilt free, I keep it at a strictly casual level. Partially I do it for his sake. I really don't want to see him get in over his head and lose himself. But by not telling him things, I think I've kind of... broken the fresh soil that there was between us for the tender seeds of trust to grow. I have this nagging feeling that he thinks I've trivialized him and the way that he feels, and that's very sad because I know he has a lot to give, he just doesn't know how to go about giving it. And he is willing to give it to me - he chose me to give it to. What a precious, beautiful gift that is. I love it when he puts his arms around me. It's starting to cause those same feelings I get as when Brian does it. That... happy... "I belong here" type feelings. I love his kisses, I love his compliments, I love his laughter and his smile. And when he has to go at night, I'm sorry about it, and I want to hold him to me and tell him not to go... Meanwhile, since he's found the diary, he's stopped saying he loves me. Which obviously means he's read how I feel about it. I can tell he sort of wants to, too, because when he leaves at night he always pauses for a long time in that space of time when he would normally say "I love you", and says something else sweet instead, but it feels like he's holding himself back. And he's still making those little comments that make me think he also read the parts about how I miss my relationship with Brian and how what we have isn't as spiritual and rooted. I tell him I enjoy being with him and he says things like "At least I'm good for something." and then of course there was that comment about settling for less than the best. I think what he found here hurt him, and I just stumbled across that thought - and that hurts me. I hope I can find a way to introduce the subject in a delicate way. It's hard since he has to get off the computer so early from being grounded. When we had our most deep conversations, they were always late at night after everyone had sort of left on his buddy list and it was just us. Maybe I'll tell him how I miss those nights. This is turning out to be quite the interesting situation, minions. I just hope I can find out what course this ship is headed on and turn it around in sufficient time, because he really is a beautiful lovely boy and his heart should remain scar free. Some things in this world should just stay in their natural innocence, to remind us all of what's good and true about being alive. 2:32 a.m. - Wednesday, Jul. 16, 2003 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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