girl-aflame's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Submitting To Nature Sometimes I wonder what he thinks, really truly deep down, about our future and what happened to it. I wonder if he ever came to grips with the fact that we really are over. Our breakup really wasn't a clean one. I did not sever anything, rather, I dissolved it. Anyone wanting to cling to false hope could find false hope to cling to. When we meet, I still tell him I love him, even though I really have put the thought upon a shelf and keep myself too distracted to examine it. Maybe I'm afraid to find out it isn't true anymore, even though I said it would always be true, no matter what. Thinking about that makes me wonder how I can ever give my word to anyone else. Human beings are so presumptuous, to think we can control and shape the future. Presumptuous even to think we can control and shape ourselves, that circumstance and time will not erode upon the mind, not make us into new creatures. You can't predict how that new person will think or feel, you can't speak in their voice even if it is the same mouth you use. Who among us can force themselves to feel something, or from stopping to feel something? Who among us can really act contrary to their feelings, again and again? Isn't it a kind of lie, a dishonesty to one's self? That's how I've always seen it, but then, I hate myself for not being faithful and loyal. I have been both those things, but they don't mean anything if they aren't eternal loyalties. I guess. Maybe relationships by their very nature aren't meant to be forever. In nature, even the healthiest relationship, symbiosis, is driven by need. If the need were absent, the relationship would dissolve - if the need on one side ended but the relationship continued, it would be a parasitism; if the need ended on both sides and the relationship somehow continued, it would be wasteful. And nature is never, ever wasteful. I have to trust in an order put together more precisely than the one my mind is in. I have to trust in a way that is bigger than my purposes, means, or ends. On the other hand, if the way is bigger than I am, how could I be expected to operate by it? It's all in the perspective. Squint and the world becomes tiny; gape and the world becomes large. Is it really tiny? Is it really large? That's for you to decide. 12:59 a.m. - Sunday, Oct. 19, 2003 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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