girl-aflame's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Mythical Creatures And don't get me wrong, dear, in general I'm doing quite fine I've thought about you all evening. Why does it always have to be so hard? Can't we just take joy in the company we know we both love? But no of course we can't. When I saw your status line today about the black haired goddess, my stomach dropped. It's so stupid, but it did. Sometimes I think about the fact that both of us are dating other people, cuddling with other people, seeing movies, making out, forming inside jokes with other people, and it seems like a strange weird dream that one day I'll wake up from, and you'll be sleeping beside me in bed. But when I talk to you and the only thing on your mind is sex, it hurts because it makes me ask myself why I miss all that. And I remember nights I cried myself asleep beside you in bed, you had no idea, and the night I was at Ashley's after you made me leave, and they were in the bedroom fucking, and I was alone, awake and miserable, and I just wanted it all to end. Then it did. Are you really a different man? I don't know. Sometimes you seem like it and other times, when you lose your temper, when you play silly mind games, when you think with your dick, it seems like you're not. But what does it matter, I guess? It's like I said today, if we have changed it's for the benefit of other people. Tonight, I'm really upset about my family. My aunt and uncle are 3 months down on their rent, can't find jobs, and tomorrow my aunt is going to apply for a job ringing a bell for the salvation army for Christmas. She shouldn't have to do something so demeaning for minimum wage, but she needs money that badly. They're probably close to getting evicted, and then what? I need somebody to hold me and tell me it's going to be OK. Not to say "wow that sucks" or "wow I hate that" or "I'm sorry"... I need someone to be a man for me, let me cry in his arms, stroke my hair, and reassure me. Not run from my emotion. And I have no one who will do that, nobody in my present or past. 1:25 a.m. - Tuesday, Oct. 23, 2007 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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