girl-aflame's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Glimmer At Dawn My grandmother got our bill for winter term yesterday. Oh I just realized that while I was not writing here, something important happened. My grandfather died on December 31st. I will miss him, more than I realized I would, but I am really worried for my grandmother. I can't imagine what it must be like to lose the person who was your lifepartner for so long. Seeing her grief makes me relieved in a way that I won't have to go through that as soon as I thought (at least I hope not) since Brian and I aren't together anymore. Brandon brought me down for the funeral and stayed with me. He was the one my Aunt Tracy told the news to over the phone; he was the one who broke it to me and the one I cried to. He was such a good lover, such a good man for me then, and I think it bonded us in a new way. We were handling tragedy together. But now things are uncertain in my house for money, even more than they always were, since my grandmother did not have a job and has to wait to get her social security benefits. My aunt and uncle have moved in with her to take care of her, but I don't know about tuition. So it was $700 that we owe and $700 that I got the financial aid people to increase one of my loans to, just for this semester, because I don't want to take out more loans than I have to. I don't want to go into my marriage with more debt than I must. So that's taken care of, but the money I wanted to use for new clothes and for spring break I will now have to use for buying books. I could cover it with the loan but it would be selfish not to spend the money I have and to ask it of someone else, just because I want new clothes, even though I do so much. I have been waking up and putting on makeup this term and it has made me feel better about myself but I still am rather out of style and that still makes me sad. I know it's shallow to feel that way but I have such a hard time feeling pretty as it is, it is even harder when my hair is flat and my face is pale and my clothes are old. *sighs* But someday all this will be worth it, minions. All this struggle and all this not fitting in will be worth it, because I will help to ease someone else's struggle, and I will help someone else to fit in. And that will make my life worthwhile in my own eyes. But I am looking forward to this weekend because it is Valentine's weekend (Brandon and I are celebrating it early since it's on a Monday). I think he has chocolate for me and something else that is a surprise, and I am buying dinner. We are either having a steak or some sushi, and some chocolate fondue with strawberries, which I am so much looking forward to. And in my chest I am burning with love for him and I cannot wait to hold him close to me and to feel his body against mine. I hope this weekend will be the one I wanted last weekend... I hope that I get the connection I so badly want. 10:01 p.m. - Thursday, Feb. 10, 2005 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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