girl-aflame's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Gaps To Close I want to keep up with this again. I was just scared for a lot of reasons, one being that Brandon would find this since he does know this is my standard user name. This weekend we were supposed to have a long weekend of making love, just sex. But Friday night before we even went to the store to eat dinner, Brandy IMs him out of the blue. Brandy was his ex that he was with the longest, about a year and a half, and she wanted to marry him. They broke up because he felt she wasn't the right person. She's married now, but she married the first guy she dated after Brandon, who broke her heart, and I'm not sure if she's totally over him. I can certainly understand that... getting totally over Brian seems like it's going to be the most daunting challenge I've ever faced. But anyway, she IMs him out of the blue; she had IMed him once before but he wasn't at his comp and that was a few months ago, after two years of not talking, and he got all in a tizzy over it and so did I, but he didn't hear from her again and I thought that was that. But then he sat down and proceeded to talk to her for 40 minutes straight, while I sat on the couch and waited. Eventually I turned the TV on. He asked if it bothered me, and it first it didn't really (at least not much) so I said no, I just wanted to give him privacy, but after 25 minutes or so went by, yes it did bother me, because we were about to go to the store to get dinner, and he just drops everything to talk to her. Plus he was looking at her sketches and things, and when I have wanted to read him my poetry or whatnot before he has barely seemed interested, but now he wants to consume every detail of what she's been up to. Well I couldn't really talk to him about it afterward because immediately afterward some dick supervisor of a company they staff for called him and wanted some people to come in that night, at 7 on a Friday. He made calls to his dad and his dad wanted him to attempt, even though it would be damn year impossible. So Brandon ranted for a litle while, threw a bit of a tantrum, and then Friday was pretty much set to a mood of bad feelings. I was sad about Brandy and he was pissed about work. We had sex that night but I didn't cum, nor did I cum the next morning. When he got out of the shower, I didn't do well enough to hide my staring into space look and he asked what I was thinking about. I didn't want to talk about it but I told him that I was thinking about why I got upset last night. That was part of it, but certainly not all. I explained about how he just dropped everything but sometimes when I need his attention about things that are important to me, he's too busy or tired to give it to me. I cried a little and he held me and told me it was all going to be OK. I felt better after that, but that night she IMed him again, even after he told her that he would talk to her on Sunday. And instead of sticking to his guns by telling her again that his girlfriend was here and he couldn't talk then, he talked to her for another half hour probably. I can understand why he wants to talk to her. They were good friends as well as lovers. It would be hypocritical of me not to want them to talk, because I'd give anything if I could be friends with Brian. Its just that I guess I've been projecting because I feel that Brian knows me better than Brandon, and I felt like Brandy knows Brandon better than I do. It's petty and stupid maybe but thats how I feel and it hurts me. Also, I have this idea that she was better in bed than me, plus she could cook and I can't cook anything and Brandon loves food, and also, it seems that she did a lot more nice, spontaneous romantic things for him. But I don't have a car or any money most of the time, and I wish I could do nice spontaneous romantic things but a lot of that requires being able to buy stuff or at least be able to get around town, and I can't do any of that. She had a job and a car of her own when they were dating, and I don't have anything of my own *sighs heavily* Well, it all kind of came to a head Saturday night. We had sex again but even though I said I wanted to do it doggy style, when he started, something hurt me and I cried, "stop stop" and nothing kills the mood for Brandon more than his thinking that he has hurt me. So after that he just wanted to go to bed, and I wanted to cry. I lay there in the darkness with tears rolling down my cheeks for like the third time that weekend. I had to sleep on my back because my eyebrow ring is on the side of my face that I lay my cheek against his chest, and the night before it had been agitated and bled a little by morning from having it pressed against him. So he held my hand and wanted me to cross my leg over his, but eventually I moved away little by little. I think internally that I do things to people like that because I know that eventually they will react badly to it, and then I will have an excuse to talk about what it is that's bothering me. I don't know how to start conversations very well on my own about things that I'm worried about, so I inadvertently force other people into it, at the same time retalliating against them by hurting them some. So he turned over on his side when I removed my hand from his, and I said, "So now you purposefully don't want to touch me?" (even though it was really me), and that started the whole thing. When I started trying to tell him that I was worried we didn't have a strong enough connection (as I have been worried about for quite some time), he jumped out of bed, took a blanket, and said he didn't even want to hear that from me. When I heard him crying in the living room, I went in there but he told me to go back into the bedroom because he didn't want to see me. Eventually he came back in and stood at the door and we talked about our connection. He said he feels more strongly connected to me than he ever has to anyone and it hurts him that I don't feel the same. But I was silent, because I was thinking about the way I felt for Jayme and Brian and I knew I felt more strongly. After several more upstarts he came back to bed and we started talking about it. He said he thought it was 1) Brandy IMing him 2) me being on my period 3) his being too tired to listen to me the other night when I wanted to tell him something important and 4) the fact that we dont live together and can't be as close as people who do. I didn't have the heart to tell him I thought it was more than that, but I did give him some examples, like when I tell him how I want my life to be like a book and he looks down his nose at it and makes me feel childish for wanting it. He said that if I don't tell him when he hurts me, he will never know. Eventually he said the thing that I had wanted to hear for 5 months, which is that he loves me even with the way I blow things out of proportion. He loves the part of me that tries way too hard to be mysterious and he loves the parts of me that are mysterious. And then I cried so hard in his arms and held him so tightly, because that's all I had wanted from anyone ever, was to love the bad parts of me too and not just the good parts. And so today I am trying to put things into perspective. I still feel bad about Brandy but I'm trying so hard not to. And I think that
1) I've been unfair because I have still been living in the past in so many ways, still holding out a piece of my heart to my past and what I had lost. I want to keep trying, diary, because when all is said and done, a love like ours still doesn't come along often. We have a practical love first and foremost, and I have already seen what having a romantic love first and foremost ends in. It's time to shoot for something higher. 1:26 p.m. - Sunday, Feb. 06, 2005 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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