girl-aflame's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Beauty Of Self-Awareness So last night was the big night. The Matrix, in full costume; Trinity's vinyl trench coat, my shiny vinyl pants, dominatrix boots, and dominatrix tank top. With the most beautiful boy in the world at my side, dressed in solid black with mirror sun glasses. Woo boy, he is sexy sexy sexy. And sweet. And adorable. And precious. And all these good things that I want to hold in my palm, but the moment I open my hand to admire them limmed in morning's brightness... ...the wind will swirl the dust away, white grains of beauty swept up in the invisible arms of fate. Que sera, sera, minions. Whatever will be, will be, should be, must be. We went to Frodo's pizza to eat first. I feel sort of bad because I talked mostly to Yancey; I didn't mean to, but it sort of came out that way. A lot of the time our conversation turned to things at Furman or webcoding, which Guy doesn't really know about. I enjoyed the conversation but if I did it over I would have involved Guy in it more. :-/ But I don't think he had a bad time or anything like that. He's such a sweetheart, I swear. Thinking about it makes my heart feel like it's being squeezed like a fresh orange into a glass, trickling out between tight fingers, dripping, pooling, collecting... overflowing... for the breakfast of someone who has never had orange juice, who has no idea what to expect when they lift the soursweet liquid to their lips. They are thirsty, but they are not parched; they sip, they do not quaff. And how I want to be gulped, how I want to drown the throat and swim in the belly. But that could very well lead to choking, and I will not let unwelcome tides rise. I will be the uneaten fruit, if that is what I must be. He took my hand almost immediately after the movie started, and held it almost the entire way through. At one point we were holding both each other hands, at one point we were wrapped up in arms, my head on his shoulder, his arm around my other shoulder, and some cheek kisses exchanged. He always touched me more when Trinity was on the screen, and I always caressed his hands when Neo was there. The symbolism continues, for [spoiler here, you might want to skip down to the next paragraph if you don't want to hear it] almost intuitively, he let go of my hands a few minutes before the Trinity death scene. He had never seen the movie before, I don't think he knew it was coming, and if he did he couldn't have known at what point in the movie it was. But Neo had been blinded because he faltered about her, because he did not do his duty when it was presented to him, and yet as a result he was given a measure of greater grace. Then it was her that made the move. She was the one to say, "I've gone as far as I can with you. This is as much as I can help you, and you have already helped me so much." Guy had let go, and so had Trinity. And so must I, someday, we both know. Back at Furman I took him on a walk to the rose garden. We stood in the gazebo and kissed our closed lip kisses, holding onto each other like passing beams of colored light mingle, make some new color, and must invariably part. When he said "I love you" it was in a whisper that found its way to my blood and swam through all the way to my heart, a silver fish leaping and glinting in the moonlight. At the belltower I asked of distance; he said he could withstand. I also asked how I could take better care of him, be a better girlfriend. He said honestly nothing came to his mind, but if he thought of an answer he'd give it to me. After a few minutes he had formulated the thoughts into bravery and into words and asked how he could be a better boyfriend. I told him, in the most restrained terms I could, how very deeply I wanted to know who he was but that I was willing to wait, and if I never found out, then I could accept that. I could accept him as he was, without trying to change him, but when he felt comfortable enough to let me in - however far or short that distance may be - I was ready to go. He said he would try; I told him I knew he already was trying and I would never try to push it out of him. "I think we both know this isn't forever, but... I love you." Yes, my love, we do both know that, and no those two statements don't contradict each other. "I love you too. I loved you before I was your girlfriend and I will love you after."
"Want to keep walking?" Of course, my love; no matter what direction it is you choose to walk in, I'll always be ready when you are. 8:41 a.m. - Saturday, Nov. 08, 2003 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||