girl-aflame's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Struggle Within A Struggle The idea of sadness is becoming ever more repugnant to me. Don't ask me what my motivations are, they are complex and numerous. I just feel as though I am beginning to shed the veil which has so long swept over my eyes, tinting everything with a blue loveliness. To me sadness is twilight. It is a softly weeping violin off in the distance. It is a solitary dove against a stark morning sky. But it is turning over slowly in my mind, and I find myself wanting joy more than sorrow. Sorrow begins to seem dirty, and slovenly, and everything undersireable. But to let go now would mean too much. To let go now and give up, and be happy would be to forget. And I cannot do that, not now, or I risk losing him forever. If I haven't already. I just want him to tell me plainly if there is any reason to hold hope in my heart. If there isn't, I hardly see how I can begin my journey to happiness immediately. I feel the sting of tears biting at my eyelids just typing these words. But if there is, I cannot let go and move forward, not when hope remains. And then there is the symbolism that follows me around constantly. Can I ignore it, pretend it doesn't happen? Pretend like there is not something very definitely orchastrated for my life? *sighs* My heart wakes up in the morning, rises and takes up its wings, stands on the edge of the cliff, and just as it is about to jump off into the prevailing eastern winds, loses its courage and backs down. Whatever will I do? 11:57 p.m. - Saturday, Jun. 28, 2003 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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