girl-aflame's Diaryland Diary

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Go With The Flow

My crisises are never really that permanent. Not that this one is over, but here's what I've managed to come up with:

A) I'm about to go away to NC for about a month. I did that the last time I was considering calling things quits with Brian and it exacerbated my feelings. *laughs* Oh boy, what irony.
B) I am not thinking these thoughts for Guy's sake. They come to me because I liked the way I felt when I was with him. I felt young. I felt like I actually had a lot of life left to live, and like the uncertainty was a wonderful thing. It isn't for HIM, it's for remembering that I'm an 18 year old girl who, although she has trouble finding other 18 year olds worth anything, still prefers to be young.
C) I am going to stop talking about Brian to Guy and Guy to Brian. It can only lead to suspicion on Brian's part and either fear or as of yet false and premature hope on Guy's. I will not hurt either of them. Neither of them deserve to be hurt.
D) I will not commit myself to anything about the future. I will simply let the future come. I will let Fate and Time do their own dirty work. If this is how it's meant to be, then so be it. I know I'll make it and I'll be OK. I know there's a whole world out there waiting for me. And if not, if love prevails as it is rumored to do in all the fairy tales, then so be it too. But it will not be of my pushing. I will go out when I like, with whom I like, and do as I feel. I will be a young girl, and see where it leads me. Not for the sake of causing any certain outcome, only for it's own sake.

So let it all come. Let the world come. I am ready.

5:11 p.m. - Sunday, May. 11, 2003

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