girl-aflame's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Phantom Pains I keep dreaming about you. Last night, you showed up accidentally at my house and, out of embarrassment, asked me to come with you. You took me to a hotel where you helped your new girlfriend do the cleaning (weird). We talked about all the things that I can only talk to you about. It was such a lonely and hollow feeling to wake up afterward. I don't know why I feel this way sometimes. Maybe it's just my nature and has nothing to do with you at all. I know if you read that you'll be insulted but I have to consider it as a possibility. I guess the reason is because I now realize that in many relationships there is one person who loves the other one more. In my current relationship, I am the one who loves more. In our relationship, you loved more. I have an appreciation now for the pain that must have made you feel, as it makes me feel pain now. And yet I know that any contact would be absolutely fruitless. It's true that your happy new arrangement might not be so happy in a few months (this tends to happen, to the best of us), but it is also true that as sad as it makes me, I know that you would probably always care more about me than I could for you. I am aching for the person who will adore me so that I am free to adore them, without fear. This unevenness terrifies me, and although our love was a sad one for the unevenness, I will be honest in admitting my selfish desire to have it at least flow in my favor. 12:49 a.m. - Tuesday, Sept. 18, 2007 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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