girl-aflame's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Meant To Be Pithy, Instead Just Pathetic I hate doing things when I have a headache. I wanted to write an entry but, as you can probably tell, my head hurts and after seeing Guy I'm really in no mood. I mean, he didn't upset me that badly or anything, but I'm just... blah on people and talking right now. I think I might just go to bed. I had a great time with Heather and Marissa. Traci was there too, from prom. She's not as stuck up as I thought at first, and she seems to really like me for some reason. Heather seems to open up better when she can do it for a few people instead of just one. We had our gossip session, I told them all about my time with Guy and how our relationship is going, and the underwear story... haha. I still think Heather has a little thing for Guy but whatever. I'm dating him, I'm the one that gets to kiss him. *swoon* We now return you to your regularly scheduled diary entry. Anyway, I'm going to miss Heather when I don't have her to talk to, even though I can't be with her for extraordinarily long periods of time. I've tried to adjust myself to the way she responds to things and tell myself that she doesn't mean to come off like she's superior, it's just the way she says it... but I can't keep myself from feeling annoyed even though I know she doesn't mean it. But I like Heather. I feel closer to her than she is probably close to me, even though maybe not because she's just one of those people who don't tell you what she's thinking about you. Why can't people just be open about what they feel? The world would be so much better off. Anyway, when I came online tonight Guy had his away message up which read "Somebody please shoot me." Every time he has that away message up, some crisis has happened, and it's never good. I worry and overreact in 2.5 seconds, and I say I hope everything's ok. After his normal computer curfiew rolls around and he doesn't come, I send him a mail which I think he won't see until the next day, again saying that I'm worried, that I hope he's ok, blah blah. He comes home and tells me he was out with friends, and that Bethany had been there and she had upset him. She was "overly nice".. which he didn't think she was being sincere about, but instead was doing to be a bitch. So he was rude to her and now he feels badly about it, and who knows what else... that girl just confuses the heck out of him and I wish she would leave him alone. But. I know where he's coming from, I know how he feels. I've been in situations I should have run away from, but instead ran into. Anyway when he feels badly about something he's a lot less affectionate with me. He didn't say "I love you" when he left like he does everynight. Which is what makes me think that his version of "love" is based on his emotions at the time. And we allllll know that love has not a damn thing to do with how you happen to feel at the time. When you love someone, you've got to will yourself to do it when it's hard and when you feel like crap, not just when you're high and giddy. But, whatever. It doesn't really matter, because he'll learn. He is learning. And if he doesn't learn, he'll fall down, and hopefully pick himself up. And someone will teach him along the way. I want to be his teacher but I'm not going to turn into a nag about it. I'm not going to make him second guess himself all the time. I'm just standing in the background, ready to do what I can to catch him if he falls. I always get this notion that one person can hold up a relationship. One person can do all the giving, be all the strength of the thing. I know that's an incorrect idea but I persist in persuing it. I think to myself, well... if I really love him, then that will be enough, even if he doesn't really know what love is yet. But then... considering some of the circumstances around our getting together and our being together, I'm not sure I can claim to be the top authority on love either. Maybe I'm not as sure about what I thought that was as I always prided myself on being. Or at least that I haven't found out how to show it yet, even if I have a head definition. And without showing it, the definition don't mean a damn thing. I'm still pretty paranoid he's going to read this somehow. It bugs me a lot. But I guess it bugs him a lot to think I'm posting my feelings about him on the internet. So I'm getting what I deserve. Fine, I can live with that. If he wants to keep reading, I'll keep posting. I saw Finding Nemo tonight. It was actually pretty good. The sharks were great, and so were all the people/animals with Australian accents. I <3 accents. On that random note, goodnight. 2:34 a.m. - Sunday, Aug. 03, 2003 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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