girl-aflame's Diaryland Diary

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Love Of My Life

Conversation from last year: Brian: Why do you say you love me?
Me: Because I'll always love you. Being in love with someone and loving them happen on two different planes of thought.
Brian: Aha... so... You are not in love with me anymore? (just to be sure I got it right)
Me: I think that's true, yes.
Brian: Who are you in love with these days?
Me: I'm not in love with anyone. There isn't anyone I want to be of one person with.
Me: You can take that how you'd like but that's how I see it.
Brian: OK.... again I am glad you are honest with me.
Brian: It has been an honour to have that status in your mind, darling.... I'll be forever grateful
Brian: And you can be sure I'll love you forever....
Me: I know.
Brian: You'll always be my princess
Brian: And my little big girl
Me: *smiles a little, the corners of my mouth arguing over which way to turn*
Brian: I want to be a part of your life... the way you want me to be it.
Me: I hope that's possible... but I don't know how fair it is.
Brian: The world is unfair
Me: That doesn't mean people should contribute to it.
Brian: Best out of two evils
Me: Maybe so.
Brian: well.... that's it then?
Me: *looks up into your eyes* In a way, I guess it is.
Brian: *bites the corner of my lip... like you did the first time I met you... looks down into your eyes.... *
Brian: I love you.... I love you... I love you
Me: *reaches up to touch your cheek* Close. So close.
Brian: In every meaning of the word.
Brian: *puts my arms around your shoulders and kisses you.... kiss kiss kissssss ..... holding you tight.... *
Brian: I absolutely don't want to let go of you
Me: *shuts my eyes, hugging your waist and returning your kisses, wetting your cheeks*
Me: I'm sorry. I know you don't, and i wish you didn't have to. But I think even if you don't, you will have to.
Brian: If I do, I do it out of the greatest love this world has ever seen... not only my love for you but the love you have showed me so highly and warmly over the many many years
Me: I know. *exhales, closing my mouth, words piling up behind my lips*
Brian: I wish we could keep the reality going and not make it all into a dream
Me: I'm afraid that in some respects, it was the other way around.
Me: Reality is, we're so far apart. *closes my eyes again* In so many respects. There's just no making up for them all.
Brian: It wasn't a dream... it was real... we wanted it, we did it.. we didn't let time beat us.... we didn't let anyone beat us... we didn't listen to what people said... we did what we found right... we knew we could.. and we did... now we are here.. we don't..
Brian: There'll never be "making ups" for them all... in no relationship
Me: These are the kind you can't overlook.
Brian: I had you in the time of your life when you was most beautiful
Brian: I followed you grow... and develop...
Brian: I have never tried to stop you from going forward... you change your own path... I've told you to do so and you do so... I am not complaining... I just wish you will choose differently
Me: *sighs a jagged sigh* everyone comes to a leg of the journey no one else can follow them down. not moms, or dads, or sisters and brothers... or lovers-turned-fathers.

We were so strong. Even in saying goodbye, we were connected to each other with an electricity that an entire ocean could not shortcircuit. Reading this, I still feel a very strong love for him and the incredible man that he is. And yet... it's not enough. It's just not enough. He has his life, and I have mine. We merged them once, under conditions where I was a desperate star, signaling out into the darkness for anyone to come to her rescue. I am a sun now, my own nova, and I can live just on my own light if I have to. I wonder what he feels now, if he is still hurting or if he is beginning to heal. The weirdest thing to think of is to think of us as estranged, as strangers, as numb to one another. Oh diary... will anyone ever see me that way again? Will anyone ever really absorb my soul the way he did? Is all love the same, can one love really replace another one?

I'm afraid, diary, that when I'm at Furman and I don't feel all these things, it's just because I'm always moving, never having time to stop thinking. When I'm here with nothing to do but muse on the past, so many feelings surface. If I hadn't gone to college, I know we never would have broken up. Have I just been distracting myself? This life that I'm moving forward into, is it just a numb version? Am I really losing my beauty and my poetic soul in exchange for experience? *laughs hard* Oh my... what a paradox that would be! What a great final irony!! To lose everything in pursuit of perceived gain... oh my. I just know, minions, that the novel of my life will end with some stinging comic irony, some great blow that negates and yet defines it all: that makes my struggle seem so sad, and ergo so beautiful. Something like that just *would* happen to me... *laughs hard again* Yes, that would be perfect indeed.

I'll never outrun my muse, diary. She sticks closer than my shadow. I love her... she'll destroy me utterly in the end, one way or another, but I love her more than I love the breath in my lungs.

2:13 AM - June 11, 2004

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