girl-aflame's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Brave New World I'm feeling braver than I have in a while. Liberated in a way.. people are not as perfect as I believe them to be and that is a wonderfully comforting thought. Hello world, my name is Michelle and my relationships are fucked up.. and I guess I like it that way. I'm talking to Brian with a fair amount of steadiness. He calls me pet names again (real ones, not the fake kind).. he says I love you and I say I love you too. We give kisses but they're sort of dull and forced.. well they don't feel awkward but they don't feel quite real, either. Sometimes our time together is really good and sometimes it's really weird. And I'm not sure I'm shooting to get things back to the way they were before or not. I'm not sure it can be accomplished. Somehow I think that even if things went back to the way they were, they wouldn't be the way they were. Things just feel different. It's kind of sad because really, there was no reason to rock the boat. I like what I have now with Guy but it is not the dire necessity I thought it was. Maybe that's because I haven't started at Furman yet. But, I could have gone on being a soul mate and done quite nicely. Or not. It's sort of weird thinking that one's destiny is optional. Because I know it is indeed (or was indeed) my destiny. I see signs everywhere. When I'm with Guy, there are a million things to make me think of Brian. And it's not just stuff that we did together, or songs we listened to... it's little obscure stuff, like a "European Psychic Center". Why would anyone name their 'psychic center' for Europe, and why would they put it in the middle of the country, where I was with Guy? It doesn't make sense - except to stab me in the side with a cosmic pitch fork. Am I too sensitive? Anyway... the signs are still leading me home... but I have the idea that as "different" as things feel now, they're only going to get more so once I enter college. I'm not going to have a ton of time, and what time I will have after studying will be divided between the people that are actually there with me, and Guy, and trying to keep up with my online pursuits. He's very busy with his tenant thing (Brian), so he will have a lot to keep him occupied too. And it's going to end up like I should have just let it do in the first place, which is to drift away naturally. Except it's not really "natural".. or it shouldn't be. It should be love and it should be forever. Shouldn't it? I just hope soul mates aren't once in a lifetime occurences. I'm pretty happy now, really. But I don't know how I'm going to feel in 20 years and it frightens me to think an older and a wiser me might regret this every day for the rest of my life. So do I feel like I'm being unfaithful to Guy? Well not really. It's really hard to explain, but I can kiss Brian, I can fall asleep in his arms and it can at once mean everything and nothing. It is as easy and as in place as breathing. Which is what makes it seem ridiculous to think that we're apart and may be further apart in the future... even while we're not actually even apart. Anyway... no, I don't look at it like that. Especially since I can feel our commitment slipping away into oblivion. It's just like... being with a very familiar friend, who knows you better than anyone. A friend with benefits, I guess. Speaking of commitment... Guy told me again tonight that he loved me. I kept the IM box open even though I'm not saving it, because it got cut off in the middle (AOL I hate you), just 'cause I like the way it looks in print. He always tells me right before one of us has to go away very quickly. Beautiful trembling boy... I said, "And I love you." We really need to discuss it... I want to love him. I'm just not sure I'm ready to belong to him. It makes everything so different.. and that's what love requires. I know this and my mind is trying to get me to stick to it. But we all know who wears the pants in this body - my heart. (No, not my ass, although the interests of that part of me have certainly been accused of having the driver's seat once or twice.) Btw - about my new layout:
1) Quod me nutrit me destruit translates into the title, which is "That which nourishes me destroys me" 11:58 p.m. - Saturday, Jul. 05, 2003 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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