girl-aflame's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Apart Together Am I always going to be the girl, aflame? Lying in bed tonight was the first time I've felt the darkness close around me since I was dating Brandon. There are so many things I think and feel that I cannot show to anyone, despite the pull to be open. I once realized about myself, or perhaps Dick realized it for me, that I also have my mask. Openness is also a mask because you are able to trick others into believing they have seen you as deeply as you go. But how could we ever know one another as deeply as we go? Is there anyone who truly wants to be known that way, who accepts themselves enough to be fully revealed outside their secret thoughts? I understand that my condescension of Ashley's insecurities are also my projectionist view of myself. Sometimes I don't understand my motivations. How can I be the girl that tries to love unconditionally, that tries to give him his wings, and also be the girl who is terrified to think that he might fall in love with flying? What is the real heart of my fears - is it the knowledge of how attractive he seems to other women, or is it what those women must think of me and how they might pity me to see him flirt? His ring sends a message, one that I have never sent to the world before. So many thoughts I wrestle with tonight. And no matter what our circumstances, there are moments when we are only set apart to ourselves, fully alone. 12:37 a.m. - Friday, Apr. 30, 2010 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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