girl-aflame's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Grudges - If Project June's If Project: If it is best to forgive and forget, what has been the most difficult for you to let go? What will you never be able to excuse? Somewhere back in this diary, I told you I'd tell you the story of Crystal Fordyce and why I hate her. Why I am not sure I will ever not hate her. It isn't really anything dramatic, if I put it simply, but I can put it dramatically and make it seem very much so. Perhaps still not warranting my eternal hatred, but it has something to do with not only the feelings I felt toward her, but the feelings I felt for Jayme at that time. Jayme and I met in eighth grade. She had failed it the previous year, but actually that put her back with the class she was rightfully supposed to be with; she skipped a grade in early elementary school. If she hadn't, she would have been with me for a lot longer. We always found that sort of ironic, given that she didn't fit in at all with her acquired classmates, and would have fit in all along with me, from the start. From the moment she came, I loved her. I've explained that in several places. She made another friend, too.. Crystal Fordyce. Crystal didn't fit in anywhere either so she kind of.. acted like she was a goth. She was never really goth and still isn't. Just a poser, if I can borrow a term normally reserved for the pop punk rock community when describing Avril Lavigne. At first I accepted Crystal's presence. I didn't have anything against her at all. But as she hung out with Jayme and I more I began to sense a tension between us. I remember the first time I cried over Jayme. I called her and she was talking to Crystal on the other line, for what was presumeably a good amount of time... she told me she'd have to talk to me later, she was talking to Crystal. I said Ok, of course, and showed no signs of being bothered, but I cried when I hung up all the same. I was learning to play second fiddle and I didn't understand when it had become a contest. Crystal was extremely jealous of Jayme, but she would hurt Jayme. She never treated her how she deserved to be treated. She couldn't take a joke; if Jayme teased her playfully, she would give her the cold shoulder, which agonized Jayme. She hated to disappoint Crystal and Crystal knew her weakness. She would guilt trip Jayme into doing just about anything. It became more and more an issue of one person vs. the other. Crystal and I had our fights on occasion, moments when it would erupt and our silence would break. I always had the upper hand in them, because my wit was sharper and faster. She would get flustered and not be able to say much back. But she was boiling on the inside. One night Jayme told me that Crystal had a plot to kill me. She then began to describe what Crystal had told her, in detail. It was silly really - in involved a poison tipped dart and a staged allergy to a bee sting, which I don't even have... but the eerie thing was that she had worked out all the details. And what was more, while we were still trying to be friends, she had asked me to map out my bedroom for her when we were having a conversation about how our rooms were set up, so she knew where everything was located. I knew she had the motivation, even if the means were far fetched. I told her to stay away from me and if I saw her near my house I'd call the cops. The same day that I confronted her, Jayme wasn't in school. The next day, the questioning began. Columbine had just happened and Jayme and Crystal were targeted for being goths. At first it was just Crystal - then after some days, it was Jayme too. Later we would find out that Crystal had given them information on Jayme, in order to appear penitent and cooperative. I was questioned too, for my affiliation with them. I defended Jayme every chance I had. They went on with their witch hunt and put both Jayme and Crystal on probation. That summer they interviewed them. Crystal came in wearing sky blue, shedding her all black clothing and makeup. Jayme came in as herself. She wasn't about to trade in her identity for a Northwood Academy diploma. Crystal was so much their puppet that when she opened her mouth you could see our principal's hand shoved up her ass. She was allowed to come back. Jayme was expelled. It's the way that she betrayed her that I can't forgive. The way she gave her up to save her own neck. The way she always pretended to care about her - when really she broke her heart. They were more than friends, it turns out. They were lovers for a while, too. Crystal gave Jayme a break up note, saying that it was a surprise, and it had a smiley face on the outside. A smiley face! She's psychotic, doubtless. But the tears I saw Jayme cry for her, the aching inside I know that she did... the way Crystal could shrug her off like she never did anything to help her, like Jayme never deserved her love... that is what I can't forgive. For trying to kill me, she was an idiot. Jayme was her real murder victim. And although she's over it now, Crystal isn't a bit sorry. I know because she left me a message in the Senior Last Will and Testament saying as much. "If I could go back five years and change anything I wanted, I wouldn't change anything. I'm not sorry for anything I did. I'm just sorry Jayne had to be in the middle of it." Yes, you love her so much that you couldn't spell her name correctly, right? I don't hold a lot of grudges. I am the kind of person who is once bitten twice shy, though, and yes, I have grudges. But when you mess with my daughter, with my best friend, with my Jayme, you're just asking for it. She asked for it, now she's got it. 1:58 a.m. - Wednesday, Jun. 11, 2003 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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